Sunday, January 2, 2011

Oh, and by the way...

Happy new years!

To you faithful readers who have stuck with me through the thick and the thin, happy new years. Hopefully the new year will bring you good fortune in everything you do, a few less kilo's, and a much larger paycheck...
But nice though it'd be, thats not going to happen, this year will in fact be bringing you a slightly larger waistline, marginally less hair, and more pungent body odour.

Many people seem to treat new years resolutions as a bit of an excuse to be under par, to not do as well as they'd hoped because they hoped too high. Bit of a glass-is-half-empty attitude, I on the other hand have resolutions for this blog which i'm inspired to fulfil.
1 - Expand reader base internationally
2 - Expand reader base to 2
3 - Find out how to change the background
4 - Change the background to an image of a lactating gorilla
Again, Happy new years! Lets take 2011 by the nipples and twist and tweak them until it's just the way we like it.

Dear James

Quite unexpectedly James said i should write another post.
I should apologise to all who have newly renewed their subscription to my blog as the fee was perilously high given i have practically no content, but to those who did morgage their house, this post is for you.

I spent all day today learning knots... To those of you who react by saying 'Thats interesting', it really wasn't. To those of you who say 'Fuck me, what a shit boring way to spend a summer sunday', you'd be right. And finally to those who cleverly deduced how handy this skill would be in the next bondage session, correct.
I honestly had no idea there were that many knots, just looking at the presumably incomplete wikipedia knot type listings was exhausting, compounded by the fact that i only learned three of them in a whole day.
While i'm sure the history of who invented the different knots, the why's and the how's, is all very interesting, I was far more interested on who the heck named them, as some of them must have required some fairly heavy hallucinogens.
'Corned beef knot' is just asking for trouble, but is curiously descriptive of its application, more than can be said for 'Monkey's Fist', 'Square turk's head', 'Munter Friction Hitch' or sadly 'Jug sling'
Now its all very easy to invent names seemingly unrelated to the purpose of the knot, my real admiration is for those who were so confident in their knot, so sure of its perfection that they named it after themselves, such as 'Matthew Walker's Knot'. Now i've seen that rather useless looking knot and can confidently announce that i can trump old Matthew with my newly released 'Sam the magnificent's lashing of perfection', otherwise known as a reef knot.

Like almost everyone, no matter how many times I see a discovery channel documentary about how safe and nice sharks apparently are, i'm only semi convinced. I will happily tell others how docile and friendly they really are, yet when i fall out of my kayak i see jaws flying out of the 1m deep water and thrash around wildly. I saw an ad in the age a few weeks ago for 'Planet Shark' an ominous title i'll agree, and they are a travelling shark exhibition with the slogan 'Predator or Prey', and a red tag line reading 'Discover the oceans most feared and misunderstood creatures'. To my mind the only mistake they made was choosing a massive image of a shark leaping from the water with its mouth gaping as the background picture, as i've now decided I did indeed sorely misunderstand them, and they are in fact giant killing machines.

If you pressure me to just go on and post I will james, but as a result i haven't reread my ramblings and consequently don't blame me if it makes little sense.

Friday, December 10, 2010


Latest reports indicate that a tidal shift, coupled with the inherent instability of the ever increasing weight of the internet has caused what is being termed by many experts an 'Earth Surge'. The surge has resulted in the earth experiencing its first recorded leap day, as we mourn the loss of the 11th of december. Seismic data is being collected and collated while researchers from many institutions have stepped forth to support the 'jump' model, as the earth halted its rotation, spun back exactly one rotation, then resumed its usual motion in the course of a split second, bringing all life of earth back a day.
This has had far reaching implications, as many time based programs uncoded and recoded themselves in a manner believed to also show the first instances of AI. Chaos has ensued the world over as weapons and equipment the world over has malfunctioned and rised up against the tyranny of man. There have been many reports of laptops snapping shut on peoples hands, and in more than one instance, people have been chased by automatic stapling machines. More seriously, the time shift has throwing the blogging world into chaos, earlier some field reporters managed to secure an interview with a man from melbourne who has been 'shaken' at the results of the date change. 'I was posting my first post ever on my new blog' he quivered, 'After posting I noticed it being labeled for the 10th of december even though I knew it was the 11th!'
Indeed the 11th of december will be sorely missed, charitable foundations have already sprung up to support the memory of one of the nicest days of the year.
To do your part and support the day that you have so often taken for granted, simply send cash by envelope to Sam, 15 Dumpling rd, 3131 Melbourne, Australia.

Writers Block

I'll level with you, its not a good start
For the purposes of this blog, i shall be refering to you, the currently non existant reader, in the plural, and assume you are interested in the writing, whether for its excellent style and flow, its challenging and powerful ideas, or just to remind yourself that your blog is at least one from the bottom of the pile.

My friend Michael has a blog (hi mich) and i'm jealous as he has lots of stories. Soft core i think he called them. Don't get your hopes up like i did, its a type of science fiction, with no basis on science. I'm unsure as to whether this is better or worse than the 'hardcore' ones, those by a hideously overweight yank convinced he can prove a tinfoil hat will protect onesself while in a wormhole.

It would be nice to be able to get a plot going, and to bring in characters, and then get them laid, or killed, or whatever. While an arts degree seems to many to be a waste of time, and for the most part, i agree, it'd be handy to know how to cobble a story together.

For any of you who i haven't already shown this article, give it a read ( In summary, the cambodian govornment funded a fight between 42 psychotic fighting midgets and a lion. Needless to say, the lion killed almost all of them, and those left weren't all that well off. If only we used our taxpayer money better, less subsidising of nicotine patches and more money put into vying minority groups off against dangerous animals. 200 blind chinamen trapped in a public pool, then the glorous moment of releasing a single crab.

One of the things that annoys me most is when people take things at face value. So as not to be hypocritical, i wanted to find out what the 'fmft' part of the link meant... as simply pegging BBC NEWS onto an excellent, thought fake report is presumably very easy. The problem is, i'm not that crash hot with computers, and therefore have no idea how to find out what fmft is. If anyone can, it'd be greatly appreciated, as i would hate for the midgets, real or otherwise, to have laid down their lives for a wonderful story of questionable truth.